We live, we love, we strive

When faced with problems, we often search for their origins. Frameworks like root cause analysis and the 5 Whys are common tools used to untangle issues systematically. These methods are effective for straightforward, industrial-style problem-solving. However, they often lead to identifying a single source of accountability—essentially, assigning blame.

But the teachings of Alfred Adler, which I recently revisited during a hypnotherapy course, offered a transformative perspective that goes beyond blame or accountability.

“All problems are interpersonal relationship problems.” — Alfred Adler

At first glance, I interpreted Adler’s statement through the lens of external relationships: parents, partners, colleagues, or friends. Yet, I neglected the most foundational interpersonal relationship – the one with myself.

The Internal Relationship: Self-Awareness and Self-Blame

From a young age, many of us are conditioned to conform. We’re taught to be “good” and not inconvenience others. This often fosters a need for external validation. When we fall short, the blame lands squarely on our shoulders—we’re “not good enough.”

As adults, the stakes are higher. We juggle growing responsibilities, striving endlessly to be better: a better provider, a better decision-maker, a better parent, or simply a better person. Yet, when things fall apart, we often deflect the blame outward:

“If only I had more money.”

“If only others did their part.”

“If only the company had more resources.”

Eventually, all these “if onlys” loop back to us. Self-blame takes over:

“I should have foreseen this.”

“I should have known better.”

This relentless cycle of self-blame strains our relationship with ourselves. It creates a chasm between who we are and who we think we should be.

From Self-Blame to Self-Acceptance

I once believed that acceptance and love needed to come from others before I could give them to myself. But I realized that the opposite is true. Resolving conflicts with others becomes nearly impossible if I haven’t reconciled with myself first.

To give, I must first nurture. To create, I must replenish. Productivity and efficiency are meaningless if I’m running on empty. Building a stronger relationship with myself is essential.

So how can I build a better and stronger relationship with myself?

Steps to Build Self-Connection

Here are steps I’ve found helpful in strengthening my relationship with myself:

1. Observe My Thoughts: Pay attention to recurring patterns. Are they self-critical or self-empowering?
2. Listen to My Inner Voice: Trusting my instincts and gut feelings fosters self-trust
3. Train My Body and Mind: Physical resilience helps combat negative thought cycles
4. Cultivate Positivity and Resilience: Focus on growth and gratitude, even in adversity
5. Allow Myself to Fail: View failure as feedback and an opportunity to start anew
6. Clarify My Needs: Understand what I want and communicate it assertively
7. Respect Others: Mutual respect fosters harmony and understanding in all relationships

Each of these steps is a work in progress, but I strive to improve every day. Building self-awareness and self-compassion equips me to navigate the interpersonal challenges that Adler highlights.

Adler’s insight, that all problems stem from interpersonal relationships, offers profound wisdom. It underscores the importance of fostering healthy relationships, starting with ourselves. When we address our internal conflicts, we’re better equipped to resolve external ones.

For those who are also working through this process: stay the course.

Growth is not linear, not something written on a job description to look shiny, and strength often emerges from the battles no one else sees. May we all find the resilience to build the relationships, both internal and external, that sustain us.