We live, we love, we strive

We are our own biggest and harshest critics. Notice how most of us want a certain level of expectation, be it in life, in wealth, or even in experiences, we then build up a tendency to seek externally. These externalities make us continuously compare, doubt, or even punish ourselves in the event we fall short. All the emotions involved with not accomplishing becomes negative thoughts, and we land into a downward spiral with the recipes of criticism, failing to meet expectations and being conscious of future efforts.

Navigating the complexities of self-criticism, expectations, and self-consciousness can be particularly challenging for many who have went into corporate life. As we mature, the pressures of societal norms, personal aspirations, and the weight of our past experiences can create an internal dialogue with roller-coaster ride.

Key Skill in Life

Many years ago, I was told that one of the most important skill was not actually taught in schools. This skill is one that allows you to identify objectively about an event to arrive at a sound judgement.

This skill is none other than critical thinking.

I spent a good amount of time diving into the elements of critical thinking. There are multitudes of it but they always involve the steps of questioning or identifying the problem, gathering the information from known reputable sources or from others’ point of view, analyse or interpret the data, drawing conclusions or judgement, communicating the solutions and continuously reflect, and learn.

The framework was easy to go with. Yet, identifying the problem objectively is not always easy. We have the tendency to point our fingers to who is at fault, rather than what actually is these days. Finding fault seems to be a go-to, and with ‘accountability’ on the rise, it seems you are given freedom to do whatever to meet the goal, yet you also take up all the blame for not meeting it. Wouldn’t a corporate team share responsibilities, especially that from the manager or senior management?

Burden of Self-Criticism

Self-criticism often manifests as an internal voice that relentlessly points out our perceived flaws and failures. This inner critic can be particularly harsh, leading to feelings of inadequacy and shame. As Kristin Neff notes, “You’ve been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens”. This quote encapsulates the futility of self-criticism; rather than motivating improvement, it often breeds despair.

For many of us, this critical voice is compounded by societal expectations of masculinity, which often discourage vulnerability and emotional expression. The pressure to conform to these ideals can exacerbate feelings of self-doubt and lead to a cycle of negative self-talk. Acknowledging this pattern is the first step toward breaking it, and to apply critical thinking in the right manner of things is how.

Expectations Is a Double-Edged Sword

Expectations play a crucial role in shaping our experiences and perceptions. They can serve as motivators but also lead to disappointment when they are not met. Anne Lamott wisely states, “Expectations can lead to resentment”. When we hold rigid expectations, whether it is about career success, relationships, or personal achievements, we set ourselves up for potential disappointment.

For most of us, who may feel the weight of unfulfilled ambitions or societal benchmarks (like career milestones or family life), managing expectations becomes vital. This perspective encourages individuals to reflect on what truly matters to them rather than adhering to external pressures.

Interestingly one of my most interesting subjects done during my MBA studies was on managerial success. What I thought it would be is how can we better motivate ourselves psychologically or the tips/tricks for success. I was partially right, because the main theme of the module was about how we define our own success. How many of us actually went into the industry that our degree took us? I certainly did not but managing to pay off tuition fees and provide even though our family isn’t that well-off was indeed a personal career success. Even though with setbacks, I just have to find another way to go about it.

Self-Consciousness Removes Us from Joy

“Stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that you don’t belong” – Brene Brown.

This call to action resonates deeply with those who struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Embracing one’s individuality and recognizing that everyone grapples with their own insecurities can foster a sense of belonging and acceptance.

Self-consciousness involves an acute awareness of oneself in social contexts, often leading to anxiety and discomfort. Research indicates that self-consciousness has both private and public dimensions. While private self-consciousness relates to introspection, public self-consciousness pertains to how we believe others perceive us. For many of us, this duality can create a conflict between wanting to be authentic and fearing judgment from others. I definitely face challenging battle in this area and still do.

Self-Compassion with Authenticity

The journey through self-criticism, expectations, and self-consciousness is not easy, but it is essential for personal growth and fulfillment. By adopting a mindset rooted in self-compassion and redefining success on personal terms, we can find greater peace within themselves. Self-compassion is much needed these days as it allows individuals to treat themselves with kindness during times of failure or suffering. Research suggests that higher levels of self-compassion correlate with lower levels of body dissatisfaction and negative self-talk. Being able to balance realistic goals with an understanding that imperfection is part of the human experience allows for a more authentic life path.

Everyone has our needs to be met, and there is a priority no matter what. We subconsciously weigh in on which matters to us more than the other at different stages of our lives. But in every part of the journey, understand that you are your own healer.