We live, we love, we strive

Have you had some form of hatred for another fellow human, so much so that the thought of him/her brings you back memories that you wished you could have removed with Harry Potter’s Obliviate spell?

I was reflecting on my negative emotions and realized how majority of trials or tribulations in my life can be associated to someone at work. I guess it is right to say that the workplace is indeed a jungle, and I did make a fair number of friends at work too. Surely I am not going to dislike corporate workplaces, and this post is not about brewing any further negative emotions like hate.

On the contrary, it is how we can replace them with more positive thoughts or emotions.

Easier Said Than Done

Indeed, removing that negative emotions towards someone isn’t an easy feat (ask someone who has been at it for a couple of months, or years!). What I felt most tiring about the constant negative emotional roller-coaster ride was that it was draining a lot of energy from doing anything else. It’s like, having a bit of good energy from my workouts, and the next thing is thinking about the negative thoughts and what could have happened or what would have happened it I have done something differently.

So instead of dwelling on how these people have made things difficult for you, perhaps we can switch gear to channel that energy into something more positive like new hobbies or activities, primarily to keep the mind occupied.

But how?

Through my NLP training and recently from hypnosis coursework, I thought these are great starts:

1. Re-frame the experience to something positive
2. Show empathy towards the person, seek forgiveness
3. Tell a different story

Re-frame the Experience (to something positive)

The part about re-framing an experience is to change that into something that serves you better. NLP techniques highlighted the 6 steps, primarily as a way of changing a habit, and I believe it helps when the habit is a constant churn of negative emotions associated with someone.

Firstly, we need to identify that particular habit or response and it can I hate Luke. Everytime I think of what he did, it makes my blood boil!

Next, communicate with your body mindfully, identify the sensation somewhere in your body, a picture, voice or sound. When you receive a sensation, first thank the part for responding. When we have fought against particular behaviors, they can feel alienated, so it’s useful to be polite.

Next, find the positive intention. Ask the part of your body about the sensation, “What do you want? What are you doing for me? What positive experiences are you trying to pass to me?” The key here is to recognize the difference between the parts intention and the way it is going about getting it. Because most often than not, the intention was good, but the execution was bad. This might revert back to the days of your traumatic experiences.

Following that, ask for help from your creative part to create alternative ways to get the intended outcome. 3 different ways is a good start.

Now, carefully assess these 3 alternatives, and see which are more acceptable to you. The key criteria is to negotiate the differences to part away from the negative experiences. If somehow, all 3 alternatives are not desirable, or accepted, go back to the earlier step to gain more alternatives. Your creative mind is constantly creating an abundance.

Lastly, check in with other parts of you mindfully again, to see if the alternatives are acceptable to the rest. You wouldn’t want to go ahead with an alternative, only to discover it caused negativity somewhere else.

So with the example earlier of I hate Luke. Everytime I think of what he did, it makes my blood boil!. Alternatives upon mindfulness practice, I realize my heart and gut were aching. The alternatives developed from there were:

• Hey, you like talking to Steve. Why not spend more energy and time with Steve instead?
• Well, you have to work with him somehow, why not try and understand him better over a casual drink?
• It’s just work and you are much bigger than that. Work with him on work matters, and see your own growth to be better at handling people.

I can definitely go with alternatives of 1 and 3, with 3 being more growth-oriented.

Show Empathy, Seek Forgiveness

Adding another ‘easier said than done’ item to the list is to carefully assess the person’s situation with empathy, and in most cases, you would have done something not so right either.

In the most direct of situations, it is easier to verbally express your empathetic thoughts to the person, and seek his/her forgiveness directly. Sometimes when we do that, we realized that person wasn’t aiming at you, but for a certain event. This allows you to pull away from being too personal.

In the event that you are not able to reach this person, or chose not to directly confront because you do not see this person being in your life anyhow, the other method would be more self-intended, to relieve of your guilt in someway.

This method requires you to close your eyes and imagine a grand stage. You will be the only audience sitting directly in front of the stage. Next you will imagine this person walking up to the stage, slowly from the right side and towards the center of the stage. As if talking to you only out of the crowd, you will let him/her talk about that particular event that hurt you or made you feel negativity. He/she will end with “I’m sorry. Please forgive me”.

After that, it will be your turn. You will talk about how you felt, your side of the story. By the end of your part, you will also say “I’m sorry. Can you forgive me?”. Now the crucial part is this, imagine a long red thread between you and the person. Now after you have had that imagined forgiveness accepted on both ends, imagine cutting off the red thread between you both, and see it being separated. Now the person on the stage will also take leave.

Tell a Different Story

Like Mark Manson said, we humans are Chief Meaning Officers. This means we are constantly seeking meaning and telling stories. What if you can tell yourself a more elevating story that serves you so you can move on?

For example, a bad colleague at work who picks on you and not supporting your work despite your efforts to make things work. Tell yourself that he’s been through his tough days and didn’t want you to take the work lightly because he cares about you as much as the work delivery. Or that he has got a really bad day or things aren’t working well for him at home, so he had to have an outlet.

Even though the story may not exactly be true, it just helps you with moving on.

Parting Thoughts

Brene Brown who studies shame, likes to use the opening of “the story I am telling myself is…” whenever she confronts something she wasn’t clear of. It helps the other party to clarify their intention and gives them the opportunity to. In turn, this helps you remove any misunderstanding.

Negative emotions and thoughts are devastating and are major contributors to mental health issues. It is harder to control what others are saying or how they say it. It is however within our control to navigate our own feelings and how we want to feel – positively.