We live, we love, we strive

Have you ever looked back on a phase in your life and thought – What was I thinking? What was I doing? What got me into this mess?

This year hit differently, and hard. After leaving my previous job, I struggled to find the right opportunities while wrestling with life’s paradoxes and replaying old work episodes in my head. The energy drain was real. Despite all the self-help books and videos, I found myself stuck in a mental loop – a downward spiral I couldn’t seem to escape.

No matter how much I meditated or practiced mindfulness, I kept circling the same realization: I had drifted too far from the root cause of my struggles – a broken relationship with myself.

How It All Started?

Part of healing is looking back at what shaped your present. For me, one workplace event stood out as a defining moment.

That Corporate Episode

In 2020, I was riding high after exceeding my revenue goals at work. My reward? Two high-profile accounts. While it felt like recognition, I quickly realized it was a double-edged sword, and I was on the shorter and blunt end:

1. An account in negotiations for a large deal, but I was excluded in the process;
2. Another renewal account that had already dropped over 50% in revenue from past 3 months

I raised my concerns to my manager, and his manager explaining the potential pitfalls, but got no response. By year-end, I was handling these accounts with no context, and worse, I was told not to engage directly in key negotiations.

Predictably, the big deal stalled, leaving me scrambling to explain the shortfall. Meanwhile, I was also tasked with salvaging the shrinking renewal account. Despite my efforts, I was asked to go. Ironically, the incoming salesperson who was a friend of the Regional Director, went on to claim a “Best Rookie of the Year” award for deals I had initiated.

That experience left me questioning everything – my abilities, my instincts, and my willingness to navigate office politics.

I became miserable and always fearful of the same episode in my next corporate work when I felt something was off.

In Life

Corporate life wasn’t the only source of conflict. I realized that my personal tendencies of being agreeable and empathetic often worked against me.

I’m someone who notices subtle cues about what others need. Sometimes this sensitivity leads to amazing surprises. Other times, it leaves me feeling foolish or taken advantage of. The worst moments came from lacking the courage to be assertive.

I was stuck in a cycle of overthinking and perfectionism, torn between two extremes:

1. Adapting to others’ needs
2. Standing firm for what I knew was right

I realised from all the episodes, I was overthinking with perfectionism, and trying to solve a lot of problems.

A Missing Key Skill

The turning point came when I recognized what I lacked: assertive negotiation.

I had always prioritized making others feel comfortable, often at my own expense. Trying to please everyone led to sacrifices I didn’t need to make.

In The Courage to Be Disliked, the authors share a critical insight: “Deny the desire for recognition.”

My need for approval had caused me to lose sight of myself.

Trying to be perfect, trying to be good, trying to nice and trying to solve others’ problems – I was seeking recognition so much that I have lost my entire self, and that also led to me being too agreeable, not being able to fend for myself.

“You should be a monster, an absolute monster, and then you should learn how to control it.⁣” – Jordan Peterson

Taking Risks, Gaining Clarity

To fix this gap, I took a negotiation course by Yale professor Barry Nalebuff. One exercise stood out.

His exercise pointed out that the difference between winning and succeeding is a fine line, and I realised my work was mostly taught to win:

If your competitor earns more than you, would you sacrifice a better reward for yourself just to close the gap? Most people chose the “low road” (less risk, lower rewards). But I immediately chose the “high road,” accepting a bigger reward for myself even if it meant the competitor got more too.

“In fairness to the Low Roaders, I note that a Board of Directors never gets to see what was missed on the road not taken. The CEO who picks the Low Road might get a big bonus for being the best firm in a tough industry, while the one who picks the High Road might get replaced for being a distant second in a booming industry. The CEO who takes the High Road can’t ever prove the profits are double what they would have been had the Low Road been taken.” – Barry Nalebuff

That exercise mirrored my career choices. I had always aimed for the “high road,” even when it was harder to prove success. This approach clashed with risk-averse managers who favored quick wins, high activities for reporting purpose. But now, I’m learning to own my decisions and the risks that come with them.

And Barry Nalebuff’s advice on negotiation?

“In negotiation (and in life), your goal should be to do well for yourself, period”.

Parting Thoughts

Reflecting on these experiences taught me to rewrite the rules I live by:

• Assertiveness is key: Advocate for your needs unapologetically.
• Perfectionism is a trap: Failure is feedback, not the end.
• Stop seeking approval: Self-validation matters most.

I’ve also discovered what keeps me motivated: helping others out of their spirals. Through life coaching, NLP, and hypnotherapy, I’ve started building up skills that aligns with my strengths and values.

If you feel lost, know this: the process of losing and finding yourself is normal. Every setback offers a chance to see how far you’ve come and where you still need to go.

Whether it’s in your career or personal life, remember that taking risks and staying true to yourself is always worth it. Life is a negotiation, and your first priority should always be to show up for yourself.

To everyone navigating similar phases – stay strong. You’re not alone, and you’ve got what it takes to come out stronger.