We live, we love, we strive

In life, we are always searching for the one – whether it is at work to fill up a gap towards business growth, to lessen the load of your current staffs or a capability that was lacking; Similarly in a relationship, we also seek out the one that fills up the gap in our pursuit of happiness, joy and/or to build a family with.

The constant search for someone to fill these gaps always result in asking the question – if this person is a fit? Am I a fit?

Fit in Relationships

While we do not have the advantage of posting our credentials to attract possible other half as easily as a job post (beside the use of Tinder or dating apps), attraction and being together between couples are most often a serendipity – Chanced encounter at a common place and time, introductions by friends, school mates, working colleagues or even at church.

However, staying together is different story.

Even though the initial attraction and the honeymoon period was mostly nice and sweet, the challenges that come up down the road will show each others’ inner world and desires. All these could have altered impression or expectations, and make one consider how things could be in the future.

A recent friend was reaching out to discuss her 2-years long relationship with her boyfriend, and things are not working well after noticing he’s drifting away. She was frustrated, thinking if he could be seeing someone else, and started doubting his every other move. But the boyfriend was also stressed out from the lack of job opportunities in his search. Eventually they parted ways.

Was it a valid concern for her? Definitely.

Was there evidence of him seeing someone else? Not that anything concrete was found.

Has he assured her before? Perhaps

So why did a happy couple gave up on the relationship?

For the Better

Companies tend to remove people from their roles despite how good or dedicated he/she is, with the reasons around fit with the manager or senior management’s direction, whether in strategic projects, focused geographical expansion, or sometimes, its simply because they do not respect each other’s way of doing or not doing things (and yes, nepotism). But as hired employees, you have a choice to walk away too, in search of more fitting job needs,and environment.

What we constantly perceive as being better, is one of self-perception, and we then use the decisive power we have, to make decisions we thought would be better for ourselves or one another.

Just like the relationship experience – If both parties were able to talk things through (considering they have), negotiate the differences by setting certain guiding principles about how things would be, instead of should be, and make sure both are credited and appreciated for making the effort to be together, committing towards a planned future with support and encouragement, then perhaps staying together outweighs the betterment of being apart.

All these are key towards connecting.

What’s of concern in many of broken relationships is when one party felt he/she has made much more effort to being together. Our modern society is getting less and less patient about attaining what we want.

What if one of them, or even both, is an avoidant?

How Can We Better Handle Our Emotions?

There are many research on how traumatic experiences alter one’s ability to handle recurring emotions and having faced a negative event, a study shows a person’s approach can be one of two ways – Exercising a higher level of empathy with relativity or an avoidance to tackle the issue.

If you have came across someone who’s an avoidant, chances are he/she has experienced certain negative emotions that cause him/her to bottle up any feelings. He/she is often obedient in nature, mild-mannered and quite a easy person to get along with. But the downside is, he/she often has a hard time expressing what he/she wants, and very often, go along with the flow or change his/her course for others.

There are times when he/she tried to assert his/her needs, and when that didn’t turn out well, that caused a further step down of his assertiveness nature. However, if he/she does get more of what they want, and certain events did not give them what they really wanted, the passive-aggressiveness might show up.

This is all part of his/her coping mechanism towards the stress built up from young.

How do I know?

I am one.

Revisiting Childhood Days

When I came to realise how I was jeopardising a lot of my relationships and stresses at work, I started looking internally to identify what were the issues.

It wasn’t until I came across a title by Stefanie Stahl – The Child in You.

We were not taught how to manage our emotions when we were growing, at least most of us. We were taught to be good, to be obedient and not cause trouble for others; Be kind, be nice and play well with others. As we grew older, we realised not everyone plays nice, especially not in the corporate world. We realised things can be taken away and we realised people are not here to stay like they said they do.

On the other hand, children who grew up knowing it is completely ok to express how they feel and their needs, how they can make choices about the things they want, and generally not be people-pleasing, knows how best to work things out with a more constructive coping mechanism.

But all these can still be learnt and changed, even though it is harder since we have taken on years of experiences.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with its first step – Lao Tzu

Many of us may not have the fortune of finding one who is willing to help revisit our past, our triggers and support us in coping. It is really not their task. It is ours – We need to know how practise that and hopefully, they are patient and supportive enough along the way.

How do we then find the right fit?

“What Do You Want?”

There is really no silver bullet in finding one’s fit, apart from many trials and error.

One of my most memorable romance movie was “The Notebook”. And in there, Noah played by Ryan Gosling kept asking Allie – “What do you want?”

This movie touched my heart deeply, and made me teared like a baby. I would like to believe this was also a memorable part of your life if you have watched it. It was not just heartwarming, and touching. It was a memory of working things out with your one true love because you knew what you want, even though he/she might be confused.

Apart from knowing what you want, the key between relationships is allow things to unfold, communicate all truths of thoughts and feelings.

It takes emotional stability and trust between both to really share everything. If one party felt unsafe from having he/she wants, it is hard for the relationship to continue in a dynamic manner that helps both parties grow.

Look deep into what you want and never compensate for that, because if you do, you lose yourself along the way for something that isn’t really you.